"It's just a joke" and other things narcissists say...
Book review: It's Not You by Ramani Durvasula
It’s Not You by Ramani Durvasala, PhD
Published: February 20, 2024 by The Open Field
Buy this book: Bookshop.org
Note: Buying this book through the affiliate link provides me a small commission at no extra cost to you. Thanks for your support!
Synopsis:
A transformative guide to protecting and healing yourself from the narcissism you can’t see, from psychologist and preeminent narcissism expert Dr. Ramani Durvasula
It’s not always easy to tell when you’re dealing with a narcissist. One day they draw you in with their confidence and charisma, the next they gaslight you, wreck your self-confidence, and leave you wondering, What could I have done differently?
As Dr. Ramani Durvasula reveals in It's Not You , the answer absolutely nothing. Just as a tiger can’t change its stripes, a narcissist won’t stop manipulating and invalidating you. To heal in the aftermath of their abuse and protect yourself from future harm, you first have to accept that you are not to blame.
Deeply compassionate and revelatory, It’s Not You examines how narcissists hijack our wellbeing and offers a healing path forward. Drawing on more than 20 years of studying, teaching, and helping clients navigate the landscape of narcissism, Dr. Durvasula unpacks the oft-misunderstood personality, showing how to identify the telltale signs that you may be dealing with a narcissist and protect yourself from their toxic influence. Along the way, you’ll learn how to become gaslight resistant, chip away at the trauma bonds that keep us stuck in these cycles, grieve the losses, create realistic boundaries, learn the fine art of discernment, and recover your sense of self after years of invalidation.
Healing and thriving after or even during a narcissistic relationship can be challenging, but it is possible. It's Not You shows that the first step is to stop trying to change the narcissistic person, stop blaming yourself, and start giving yourself permission to foster your autonomy and sense of self outside of this relationship.
Rating:
Review:
Everyone who has had any kind of relationship that left them feeling confused, unstable, doubtful, uncertain, or simply traumatized needs to read this book. Narcissism is one of those conditions that is rarely formally diagnosed, as Dr. Durvasula notes, because many of its defining traits discourage individuals from seeking help. As a result, there are likely far more narcissists in the world than we realize. There is also an important distinction between narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic traits.
Humans are inherently narcissistic at birth. Infants must be this way to survive; they focus entirely on their own needs and comfort, often at the expense of others. As we grow, family and society help instill empathy, and these narcissistic tendencies typically diminish. However, we all display narcissistic traits at times and to varying degrees. Some individuals, though, use these traits to harm others. This is the group the book addresses.
Having encountered people like this throughout my life—in family, work, and relationships—I can personally attest to the damage they can cause. This is what led me to seek out this book: how do you heal from something so harmful? It serves as an excellent introduction to that process.
I appreciated the book’s exploration of the many ways narcissism can manifest. No two harmful individuals are exactly alike, and the book illustrates this well. For example, Mother Gothel and Donald Trump may both be highly narcissistic, but they exist at very different ends of the spectrum. The book helps clarify these distinctions so readers can better identify behaviors that may be causing harm.
The latter part of the book focuses on healing, both for those who can leave a destructive relationship and for those who cannot safely do so at the moment. Both situations are real, yet it’s rare to see a self-help book address them so directly. Sometimes it is safer to leave; other times, it is safer to stay. This book offers guidance for both circumstances.
My only criticism is that the book can feel somewhat repetitive. At times, it revisits the same ideas more than necessary. Still, this is a minor issue that didn’t impact my experience. Your mileage may vary.